17 December, 2013

Let's Get Carried Away..

Around 3,000 of us were all in the same situation. Repetitive strain injuries and friction rashes from circling our nipples with our fingertips as Shola holds the ball up in the corner at Old Trafford, a defeated Zaha and Evra unable to do anything about it. The referee unable to give them a penalty or play until the following Thursday week. United were about to win at "Yahnahhted" (Manchester), "Yunoyted" (Ireland), "미국" (The People's Republic of North Korea, may Super Grandad watch down and protect them from space) or "United" (The Media) for the first time since the iron age. Or since Sol Campbell broke into an impromptu game of beach volleyball for Spurs, depending on how much of a prick you are.

Glorious. Again, imagine if we won stuff.

For me that's up there with Plymouth. Where I admit the long trip, the sea air and the shandy got the better of me. I just remember a massive pitch invasion at full time because Leon Best hit the bar or something. I got a big blokey hug off Andy Carroll (if I fucking knew....). Much like Patrice and Wilfred up top, I could NOT get near Shola, who it seemed had struck up some kind of Beatles Mania level of hysteria for lads wearing Berghaus near the corner flag. Mobbed he was.

Anyway. We're all confident again.
But let's not be daft here. There's nineteen other teams and nineteen stones worth of club owner who doesn't seem enamoured (Thesaurus ((Dictionary)) on the internet) with the idea of Newcastle United playing in Europe. We're just a cracking way of flogging tickets to almost every football body in a suit, let's be honest.
Let's just keep our heads down while making sure to display all of our paying and non-paying club sponsors.

A couple cheap additions here.
Apparently it says here we also drew with Southampton. There we go.

Upcoming games and that, over Christmas. The TV is always telling me it's a tough period. I'm not fucking surprised given what the BBC show as comedy. Anyway:
Crystal Palace - Another chance to spoil a Cockney's weekend after Old Trafford. One corner sings. That's atmosphere these days. Bring back standing. Bring back fun. Bring back Andy Thorn and ask him to leave again.
Stoke City - I still refuse to see Stoke as a Premiership football club and don't expect any win against them to be added to our league total. A friendly. Play the bairns. Ameobi double pairing up top. Put them in those inflatable half time balls. Banter.
Arsenal - Well let's hope on hope they don't get their game against West Ham on Boxing Day called off again to gain a few days extra rest over the Christmas period. As there was nothing shady or unfair about Arsenal and West Ham doing this exact same trick last season over Christmas.
JANUARY TRANSFER WINDOW! BRING ABOUT THE FUCK ABOUT!
West Brom - Just played these buggers, it's not the best of three tosses lads. On WBA, I've got money on Zola or Di Matteo getting the job. So expect them to appoint Carlo Cudicini or the puppet from the Dolmio adverts.
Cardiff City in the FA Cup! - It's wor year, lads! Wembley! Whaaaaaay! Let's get carried away!

26 November, 2013

Alreet?

Not dead.

Haadaway you dirty buggers!
Coming up to 100,000 hits, no doubt somewhere around the 90,000 mark looking for the Cheryl Tweedy photos.
So what's changed?

Hardly anything at the club. Staff or players. Loic Remy plays for us now but I don't know how long for or if he's leaving SJP in a G4S prisoner transport van or a billionaire's helicopter. Mind if that helicopter is taking him back to QPR I'd honestly consider the first option.
Good player. But let's not get too excited. We've been let down before.

Oh aye Kinnear. I forget about that daft old bastard because he does the square root of FUCK ALL at this club. I have no idea how Joe Kinnear lands these jobs at our club. At some point somebody (we can probably guess who) he thrown the line "Joe Kinnear?" out there, and nobody rang for the nurse. Kinnear must have cracking blackmail on somebody. I again wish to go on record as suggesting Ashley wants to strip this club of it's profitable assets and move it to Baltimore. It was supposed to be a carnival the day they got rid of Llambias. I suppose a clown showed up at least. Bam. Words.

 I have absolutely no idea what Sports Direct News is. But they follow me on Twitter so I suppose I'm a killer source given some of the shite they've come out with. If they ever do a report on Newcastle United being linked with Wayne Rooney, you'll know I've infiltrated their inner sanctum. I think it's a Sky Sports News rip off of The Day Today.
Remember when Clubcall and Teletext was the was the way to get your fill of rumours? At no point did anybody wonder if the lads over at Sports World in the Monument Mall had heard about Stephen Glass coming in on a free.

Lost the derby. I don't care, now. Probably because we lost. But if S*nderland were offered the last few derbies we played before being relegated out and away from the top flight and in turn ourselves for the next twenty years, I reckon we'd both snap your hand off. Not to sound high and mighty because I am naturally better than them or anything (eyvnin' marras). But while the rest of us play 38 Premiership games a season against 18 other clubs (I refuse to acknowledge Stoke), you get the impression S*nderland forever play two games against one and let's be honest, at times they play against themselves, which was always a big laugh.
It's all a bit dull now, the derby. No amount of horse hadoukens, wacky Italian stereotypes from the 1940's or poop flinging managers can bring back the fun lately.
I'll probably care when we win the next one, mind. This is the North East version of sad, limited Gloryhunting.

Though I will say their insistence in parts that the North East media is dead against them and pro-Newcastle (#Magedia) is still my favourite thing about Mackems right now. Dawn Thewlis smiles when we win, you know? Dead against them. Brilliant. She probably eats Sugar Puffs and wipes her bare arse with the S*nderland Air Show.
The day they fathom where some of the planes are taking off from, I want that reaction filmed.

Where's Titus Bramble?

Shola is an international footballer.
We all knew this was on the cards, he might even go to a World Cup. He's going to have to Sky+ the new season of 24. Howay Victor Anichebe, nee spoilers now..
HRRITES KIDDA'..
I'm writing this after a very good Shola performance (Sholaformance? Ameobash? Foluwalloping?) against Norwich City. So stick with me if he's had a shocker around the time you're reading this. On Saturday I saw Shola chest a ball over his own head and keep control of the ball. Now I don't know if this is an accident, I don't know if it's any more or less an accident than the Bergkamp goal where he spun around Nikos Dabizas, solved a Rubix cube and scored at the Gallowgate. Nor do I know if Shola's yelled "YouTube" a second before the ball hits his chest, though he probably has. What I do know with Shola is something fantastic or daft is about to happen, and I love fantastic stuff (ur mum) as much as I love daft stuff (ur mum). Shola had an effort at the Leazes End in the second half that nearly hit the roof of the stand. People stood and applauded. Shola is going to be first person to smash the windows above Level 7. It'll rain glass, dead pigeons and bits of football on people, and they will be happy.
Dennis Bergkamp won't even fly, man. I'd call him a big fucking fairy but at least fairies have wings and get up off the ground. Tart.

Benfica.
I'm told I went..


See you all in six months.
Oh aye. I'm also the Secret Footballer.

01 March, 2013

BOTS

As some of you know. I'm on Twitter. I've been called a tosser for much worse, so let's just save time.
I'm going to assume the vast majority of you know their way around Twitter, so I'm free to use jargon that in most cases turns women off faster than a video of say, Coventry City stalwart Steve Ogrizovic fisting himself. Not that one exists. Nor than I want you to email me said video, should he film one out of spite at this comparison.

BOTS!
Essentially 'Bots' are drones that randomly post the odd remark made on the '#NUFC' tag some computer genius copied down at some point over the previous 2-3 years. Essentially making the 'bot' appear to have a mind of it's own, making random tweets and so forth..
I don't know what the aim of these bots is, ultimately. Maybe one day they'll rise up and make us all go outside and talk to girls. But in the meantime, let's laugh at some.

This is typical of what I mean.
This tweet is obviously copied from a few weeks back. Anybody checking the final scores today is going to be confused. Especially as it's a Friday.


Caroline. Who I assume has had a few, is going to be livid when she is another who finds out there's no game on. Yet alone no snow. She needs to get herself down to Reading (I'm not 100% sure where Reading is, you know? It's like fucking Narnia between Leeds and London for old man Threat Level!) and throw some kind of chilled substitute at the man. I suggest Callippos. Every fucker loves Callippos. I can't be arsed to Google how you spell Callippos.

Latosha. Who by the way claims she(?) is from Washington, GA was probably there during the McKeag days, so she's every right to judge poor running of Newcastle United.

Conchita is smacked off her tits.


TITUS STOFFER!

Sadly, this one is quite popular amongst the bots. Probably because it's been used genuinely the few times Geremi got a hold of the ball during his time at the Toon. 'Sumiko Burks' sounds like it could be a sentence in Newbiggin. Actually, that one could be real. Unverified.

Tora, who I'm assuming is a lesbian (I've absolutely nothing against them I can't stress this enough) praising Tim Krul despite his current injury.
There's also one that slates Rob Elliot on there. I hope he doesn't read those. They're quite cruel. If the chubby commander of a team of easily programmable drones takes down our britches it'll be the first since Allardyce got a win at Gallowgate with his foul-brand of sport, managing Blackburn. You remember the one, just after we hammered the Third World 5-1.
I see the Mandela Foundation is teaming up with them. He could probably get a game. See Titus' backpass at West Brom? I saw it, everyone saw it three to four seconds before it happened. Sometimes it's the way Titus is moving. You can tell he's throwing 100% of his concentration into putting one foot in front of the other. Titus could have played it safe and knocked it out for a throw. Titus Stoffer wouldn't have sold his goalkeeper short. Classic Titus. He used to play Champions League you know? Bramble. Not Stoffer.

I'll leave you with some GIF @SholasHats tweeted. As I steadily laugh louder each time I see it, I think it's from the new Mortal Kombat. It's 4:30am.

GAN ON LOVE!


Morning.

20 February, 2013

The #Tournament previously known as the "#Milk #Cup" #Finals #Weekend #Extravaganza!

So where was I?
 
Blogger proudly announces that I can now "mention people in your posts with Google+". Fantastic. Allardyce! You can fuck right off!
Who uses Google+ anyway? Facebook is well adequate enough for people who spend all day long posting photographs of their children. I've been starting to wonder if a lad I know has caught that 'Benjamin Button' virus Brad Pitt caught. He was thirty odd a few month back but now he seems to be this baby I've never formally been introduced to, judging by all the photographs he's 'tagged' in.

A lot of you are no doubt thinking "Why is the daft bastard going on about Facebook? Where's the football patter I come here to read and take to the pub later so as to stave off rumours of being a big Mary amongst the other lads?"
Well good reader you've raised a good question, and I too only talk about football in a deep voice to keep the rumours at bay.
A lot has happened since we last held hands, in a blokey way, and wandered, like proper blokes down the walk of glory and shame that is Premiership football. We spent some money after Christmas in some kind of bonanza rarely seen with Ashley at the helm. Is it still a helm? What's a helm? I picture Ashley sat at an oversized throne with his tail wrapped around Derek in a bikini. This is a good enough excuse for a photo of a hot lass in a bikini. Hold your horses, we're firing up Google.

#Blimey!
That'll get the hits up.
If you're still thinking about Llambias in that bikini I suggest you seek help.
While we're on this, somebody once found this site by searching for "derek sex" on Google. All types to make a world.

Yes. The spending spree!
Now yes I'm sure we'll have to pay for this at some point in the future. God knows the world sweeps away any mighty plinth a Toon fan stands on with a mighty laugh and a Ricardo Fuller header. But I'm going to enjoy something Mike Ashley did at this club.
He bought a right back (I LIKE DEBUCHY-BUCHY..) who can give away penalties and not be seen as the anti-Christ amongst our supporters. Refreshing. Bargain. Signed 5 months late but happy to have Yohan Cabaye's +1 on games of Streets of Rage for Le Megadrive.
Moussa Sissoko also, who looks like he's been training down at that community gym in Elswick with me on weekdays. Brick shithouse that man, and I'm glad we have him. Tiote, who was the hardest man ever a month or so back, harder than all the Street Fighter characters and their dads if you believed the internet, will have to keep his head down if Moussa turns up for training one day without his packed lunch. I wouldn't even bat an eyelid if Moussa Sissoko wanted the sandwiches me Mam made, as well as me Skips and cheeky Mars Bar for between periods 4 and 5. Not that I've dreamt about us all going to school and playing for the football team or anything.
Vurnon Anita is a couple years below us, but he's cool to hang with us on the playground.
GOUFFRAN is another one. I don't know much about the lad, but us blogging types rarely know our arse from our elbow and it never stops us. All I ever hear is "another Obertan another Obertan.." so I'm going to suggest he's another Stephen Glass.
Anything is better than Pancrate.

#PANCRATE!
They also signed (I'm saying this like you don't know. If you don't know this info I reckon you've arrived on this site from a Google search for 'Anything is better than Pancrate' or 'Cheryl Tweedy geps') ..Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa (Google) to 'bolster' (journo words) the defence. Everybody I've read on this here screen says we've got a bargain, and I hope they're right. Let's be honest amongst people who don't know each other, Coloccini is away in the Summer back to Argentina to retire from Sky Sports football and play for sky high cocaine dealers. Probably. That's probably stereotyping an entire continent's football hierarchy in one fell swoop, but this is the internet and that is EXACTLY what the internet is good at. If this offends any amigos by the time you've read this my name is Mark Hughes, c/o West Ham United Football Club. Probably.

SHOLA NEWS!
As Shola is currently hibernating between derbies, there hasn't been a lot of Shola action gracing the dancefloor at Gallowgate lately.
Yes the big man has come on for a few cameos, and clearly still half in his slumber has headed a few footballs in the wrong direction. Stood on the ball a couple times and yet still scored the obligatory 5 yard Sholazo in Europe. But we're slowly nearing the inevitable realisation that nothing lasts forever. Even if it could probably chin all the Man Utd squad. At some point we're going to have to demolish that spiral khazi in the centre of the Bigg Market, erect (fnarr!) a tent on that spot and put Shola out to stud on weekend nights. No fat chicks. No Mackems.


See you all again in 8-10 months.
Tino for Mayor.

12 October, 2012

England vs San Marino (Preview)

It's international week. We play former Miami Dolphin Quarterback Dan Marino (LOLS) at Wembley, home of London.
Let's be honest. We don't care. Let's get to what we're all really thinking about.

I believe anything is only as strong as it's weakest link. The Tyne-Wear derby is NOT one of the World's great footballing showcases because Titus is involved. It is NOT the most passionate game of football in the land because they're giving seats away to bairn again. It is NOT being played at a stadium built for sporting greatness because of the previous two points, also the fact it looks like the wind's gotten up at a refuse tip during the winter months. Chances are heavily stacked that we'll see more whimsically drifting carrier bags then goals at the Plagiarism of Light during the New Year fixtures. There was a Sky "Sewper Sunday" last season which reminded me of "American Beauty" midway through the second half.

Form.
Newcastle haven't had the greatest of starts in the eyes of the ever stressed out eyes of the fans (we aren't top of the league), whereas S*nderland have had a good start to their season (Newcastle aren't top of the league).

I don't know much about their manager as I don't watch SPL. Also Aston Villa are known to bring on depression so I try to avoid them. My basic knowledge of Martin o'Neill (outside his role as 'Meerkat 2' in those adverts) is seeing him walk disconsolately back into his dugout as Shearer completes his hat-trick. He nearlly took Keller's head off with the first. WHOOMPH!
Prick.
 
Tactics.
I dunno. Shola. Always seems to bamboozle them.
Moving lights seem to throw Titus off. Does he start for them? I rarely see them in action. I know Clattermole is suspended. Which is a shame as he got the assist for Ryan Taylor's goal last season.
A Smoggie that plays for S*nderland. I think there's no bigger proof of life balancing fortune, good or bad out than this man being paid to play football. It's clearly not his chosen vocation, but fate gives this man, a Smogmonster playing for S*nderland a help up in life. Lee Clattermole is shit. But a fully paid up employee of the beautiful game.
That's as nice a thing I've ever said about a Mackem. Milk it, Dickhead.
I don't know many of their other players. Most derbies I spend the first twenty minutes turning to my mate and saying "who's he?" or "oh he's THERE now?!" (Last season, Gardner)
There's that ginger one with no shadow, and the goalkeeper who plays on the wing. Also one of the Johnsons, who's definitely a fan of one of us. We just don't know which one.. His family are all S*nderland so they're probably still fraudulently claiming child benefit for him, but he's a "Newcastle fan" so he won't be spending it at Sports Direct.
I know they have Saha now. They love a former Toon player. During the Summer I thought Newcastle United must have set up an outlet store at Royal Quays given the amount of old boys they were linked with. Jermaine Jenas, in spite of being a "fish" from the goldfish bowl seemed to suggest he'd still rather be out of breath on a bench than swimming in that shit-pond. Fair play. You won a point back with me on that one, JJ.
He'll mind.


Metro Theory Revisited.
My theory on the Metro being more quiet when returning from S*nderland is two-fold. One is that all electricity powering the Metro line is used to shoot the carriages uphill to S*nderland. Free-wheeling it back down to Gateshead and the 21st century. Making sure there's just about enough of a electricity grid in the village to power sewper-dewper-compewters.
I enjoy having the "FTM" acronym shouted at me (by keyboard based command) as much as the next man. But would the internet really be a better place without Mackems to laugh at? I doubt it. I could post you several hilarious conversations with Mackems I have had on Twitter (Twitter is just like Facebook without Farmville or your Mam, 140 characters, no lasses, they're pornbots, all of them), but we've no time for deciphering their basic command of the English language at this time. Certainly not when we're all trying not to think about the derby too much.
God I hate the derby. Let it be next Monday already...
Theory 2 is so we can all hear them attempting to pick-pocket us.


Anyway. I'm going to stop thinking about this and try to put it to the back of my mind. Until Wednesday at least..


Oh aye. Hardly any updates lately because I'm Shakira and I'm pregnant like. Soz.
Prediction: England win 5-0.



Sod it. Here's 72 SHOLAZOS again!

14 August, 2012

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR. HOME. CHRIST ALMIGHTY.

Here we go again. Back on the roller-coaster than never ends until May.
The Premiership returns this weekend, and in keeping with Premiership copyright, I shall list Saturday's other upcoming fixtures without infringement.

Gooners
vs
The Third World. Shola's Punchbag. East Washington.

Mohamed al Fayed
vs
Delia fucking Smith

Cockney Hoops
vs
Wales

One great big Family Enclosure
vs
Stoke RFC
(I'd like to see this, actually.)

Baggies
vs
Scousers and what remains of 1980's Gloryhunters

Sam "Agent Payments" Allardyce
vs
Why the hell didn't I plan something different, it's Aston fucking Villa


Tottenham. Spurs. Fucking Spurs.
I can't keep track of who the best player in the world is at Tottenham these days.
Gareth Bale is either it when Modric wants to leave. Or Modric is when he's staying at the club.
Jermaine Defoe is the best striker in England when I've got TalkSport on. He's rather mundane when I sit there and watch him on the TV.
Younes Kaboul is a sensational defender when I hear old Spurs boys on Sky Sports telling us about stuff. But when I see him I only see regular old Younes Kaboul, and it confuses me.

This is pretty much the extent of my recent knowledge on Spurs. Scouting is hard. Pretending to be a bit of a know-it-all on the internet must be a pain in the fucking arse for some people. I just had to Google "trequartista".
Rafeal van der Vaart is a fine trequartista (eh, eh??) on his day, but that day was a bloody while ago. He's no Sneijder. Who in turn is no Shola.

SHOLA!
Shola [Sho-La] noun. To be fucking awesome. "Margerie darling, these crumpets are FUCKING SHOLA. Applaud thy self!"
Shola will probably play in Europe next week. A return to stage for the finest striker who's ever played in the Champions League with "Ameobi" on his back.


In a stat I recently made up. Including games he never played in, should Shola play against Atromitos on Thursday, it'll be his 380th appearance in Europe. In which time, Shola has scored 574 goals for the Magpies in real life and on FIFA '12.
Some record. Some chap.

I look forward to sharing more thoughts and drawings of Shola as the season goes on.


Big Match Prediction:
Blotto.