Part man part megaphone Jim White's on Sky Sports News now, attempting to render the speakers of the nation's televisions useless. He keeps on spitting when he bellows "GUDJOHNSEN!" at the camera. Terrifying anybody watching in 3D I imagine.
Jim's wasting all his free minutes.. He's sat right next to him.
Twice a year this man comes in to our lives and gets over-excited about the smallest loan deal. I've had a love/hate relationship with Jimbo ever since he was the opening act on the day we sold our soul to Sky Sports News and gave all of our sponsorship money for three years to Real Madrid for one Michael Owen.
My entire day so far has been spoiled by that Ginger kid on the new "The Sun" commercials. Look at him.. Kids acting like adults terrify me. Ginger people terrify me. Freckles terrify me.
Look at him.. Walking down that staircase. I've had a day of this.. Same advert, same genetic abomination advertising the same news rag all day long.. I hate the Television right now.
Why can't he fall, just once?
Lay some land-mines on the stairs.
Have him fall off a ladder for one of those "HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED, FATTY?" adverts. Why is it always a portly bugger tumbling over in those? Who don't they play a French horn each time they fall? I really should be given my own TV Network. Or my own set of wonky ladders.
HE'S BACK ON THE FUCKING SCREEN! ARRRRRRRRGHHHH GINGER!!!! RED AND WHITE SCARF!! ARRRRRRRRGH!!!
West Ham ready to offer Scott Parker 75k a week.
That's a load of scruff mags that's going to have to get flogged by the owners. I thought West Ham had less money than you or I?
Ryan Babel is on a Helicopter to Spurs.. Hahaha.. Good choice of punishment Mr Hodgson.
The flip-side to this is that the Robbie Keane fan club at NUFC will herald this as a sure-fire sign he's on his way North. Not if I'm at Scotch Corner he isn't. I'll keep an eye out.
Ryan Babel's helicopter has been diverted to West Ham.
Les Ferdinand can pilot a Helicopter. Token Sir Les appraisal right here.
Liverpool are trying to sign Carlton Cole. This may be part of the Babel deal.
All of a sudden Ryan Babel appears to be a much better player. Carlton Cole is no Warren Barton. Use your player guides on that reference.
A woman on Sky Sports News just mentioned the Taliban. Wasn't her our winger from Paraguay? Diego Taliban?
Wigan look like signing Tom Cleverley on loan from Man Utd..
There's a whole list a Mark Viduka waist line long of footballers we've supposedly been "set to sign" if you believed Twitter over the past month.. Here's one of them, and he's off to Wigan.
Speaking of Wigan. Last season I said to a Wigan fan I know (Yeah, I found one!) that after their 9-0 humping, they'd win at Spurs 1-0 next season. Because that's what Spurs do to entertain the nation.
Ha! Spurs.. 68 Wigan fans travelled for that away game. Two thumbs up.
Stoke City fans are publically grunting with excitement at the signing of Salif Diao. Stood behind the Sky Sports reporter.. I hate a whole bunch of things right here.
Jez Moxey, Wolves chairman is on the TV.. Greasy as a chip pan. Probably moments away from lunging feet first at one of our midfielders. Arsehole.
Hold fire. They're talking about Kelly Brooke.
Balls. It's about cycling. Now Boris Johnson's in shot. Crying out loud.
4:33pm ..AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GO!
Jim's shuffling on his seat like he's got a touch of the two bob bits. Voice slightly raised. We're off to Manchester!
There's fuck all happening in Manchester!
Reporter outside Fulham. Fulham only have around 2,000 fans so we're keeping this brief.
Robinho's been sold to AC Milan. Jim's near climax.
The Unwashed have signed a footballer who's played 3 good games at a World Cup. There's reasons why he couldn't get a move to a top French side, yet alone a top European one. Jim hands this one off to his side-kick. It's not important, straight to commercials.. Cue the ginger freak.
Ryan Babel apparently chained himself to the helicopter. Avram Grant even had the chain-cutters out. Poor bugger. He's back off to Liverpool.. Almost time to put Bryan Swanson and his touch-screen back in the cryogenic freezer.
Back to Stoke City, now. Reporter surrounded by what looks like a tracksuit sale at JD Sports, and a look that screams "Lynx Africa" to me.
I'd like to see that deal fall through. Simply to upset the rough looking people.
Oh aye... Charles N'Zogbia still plays football.. Late link with Everton..
When the clock hits 6pm Jim rips his shirt off and he has to be hosed down, they've already started lowering the studio microphones. He's about to explode.
I'm starting to give up.
Tottenham for van der Vaart? Poor Jenas mightn't even get a game for the Reserves. Shame.
Poor Charles N'Zogbia.
Jim's running on fumes.
I think Jim might be wearing a Jim mask. Underneath the real Jim is asleep and his body is being moved by electrodes. He could wake up at any point and order breakfast. I'm staying tuned to this shit.