My Transfer Deadline Day.

Transfer Deadline Day is always a barrel full of laughs and ultimate disappointment.
Part man part megaphone Jim White's on Sky Sports News now, attempting to render the speakers of the nation's televisions useless. He keeps on spitting when he bellows "GUDJOHNSEN!" at the camera. Terrifying anybody watching in 3D I imagine.

 Jim's wasting all his free minutes.. He's sat right next to him.

Twice a year this man comes in to our lives and gets over-excited about the smallest loan deal. I've had a love/hate relationship with Jimbo ever since he was the opening act on the day we sold our soul to Sky Sports News and gave all of our sponsorship money for three years to Real Madrid for one Michael Owen.

My entire day so far has been spoiled by that Ginger kid on the new "The Sun" commercials. Look at him.. Kids acting like adults terrify me. Ginger people terrify me. Freckles terrify me.
Look at him.. Walking down that staircase. I've had a day of this.. Same advert, same genetic abomination advertising the same news rag all day long.. I hate the Television right now.
Why can't he fall, just once?
Lay some land-mines on the stairs.
Have him fall off a ladder for one of those "HAVE YOU BEEN INJURED, FATTY?" adverts. Why is it always a portly bugger tumbling over in those? Who don't they play a French horn each time they fall? I really should be given my own TV Network. Or my own set of wonky ladders.

HE'S BACK ON THE FUCKING SCREEN! ARRRRRRRRGHHHH GINGER!!!! RED AND WHITE SCARF!! ARRRRRRRRGH!!!

Earlier:

1:05pm
West Ham ready to offer Scott Parker 75k a week.
That's a load of scruff mags that's going to have to get flogged by the owners. I thought West Ham had less money than you or I?

1:23pm
Ryan Babel is on a Helicopter to Spurs.. Hahaha.. Good choice of punishment Mr Hodgson.
The flip-side to this is that the Robbie Keane fan club at NUFC will herald this as a sure-fire sign he's on his way North. Not if I'm at Scotch Corner he isn't. I'll keep an eye out.

2:08pm
Ryan Babel's helicopter has been diverted to West Ham.
HAHAHAHA!

Les Ferdinand can pilot a Helicopter. Token Sir Les appraisal right here.

2:10pm
Liverpool are trying to sign Carlton Cole.  This may be part of the Babel deal.
All of a sudden Ryan Babel appears to be a much better player. Carlton Cole is no Warren Barton. Use your player guides on that reference.




3:35pm
A woman on Sky Sports News just mentioned the Taliban. Wasn't her our winger from Paraguay? Diego Taliban?

4:01pm
Wigan look like signing Tom Cleverley on loan from Man Utd..
There's a whole list a Mark Viduka waist line long of footballers we've supposedly been "set to sign" if you believed Twitter over the past month.. Here's one of them, and he's off to Wigan.
Speaking of Wigan. Last season I said to a Wigan fan I know (Yeah, I found one!) that after their 9-0 humping, they'd win at Spurs 1-0 next season. Because that's what Spurs do to entertain the nation.
Ha! Spurs.. 68 Wigan fans travelled for that away game. Two thumbs up.

4:07pm
Stoke City fans are publically grunting with excitement at the signing of Salif Diao. Stood behind the Sky Sports reporter.. I hate a whole bunch of things right here.

4:14pm
Jez Moxey, Wolves chairman is on the TV.. Greasy as a chip pan. Probably moments away from lunging feet first at one of our midfielders. Arsehole.

4:28pm
Hold fire. They're talking about Kelly Brooke.
Balls. It's about cycling. Now Boris Johnson's in shot. Crying out loud.


4:33pm ..AN HOUR AND A HALF TO GO!
Jim's shuffling on his seat like he's got a touch of the two bob bits. Voice slightly raised. We're off to Manchester! 

4:34pm
There's fuck all happening in Manchester!

4:41pm
http://twitter.com/TimHi/statuses/22626865015

4:42pm
Reporter outside Fulham. Fulham only have around 2,000 fans so we're keeping this brief.

4:54pm
Robinho's been sold to AC Milan. Jim's near climax.

5:14pm
The Unwashed have signed a footballer who's played 3 good games at a World Cup. There's reasons why he couldn't get a move to a top French side, yet alone a top European one. Jim hands this one off to his side-kick. It's not important, straight to commercials.. Cue the ginger freak.

5:34pm
Ryan Babel apparently chained himself to the helicopter. Avram Grant even had the chain-cutters out. Poor bugger. He's back off to Liverpool.. Almost time to put Bryan Swanson and his touch-screen back in the cryogenic freezer.

5:36pm
Back to Stoke City, now. Reporter surrounded by what looks like a tracksuit sale at JD Sports, and a look that screams "Lynx Africa" to me.
I'd like to see that deal fall through. Simply to upset the rough looking people.

5:45pm
Oh aye... Charles N'Zogbia still plays football.. Late link with Everton..

5:50pm
When the clock hits 6pm Jim rips his shirt off and he has to be hosed down, they've already started lowering the studio microphones. He's about to explode.

5:57pm
I'm starting to give up.
Tottenham for van der Vaart? Poor Jenas mightn't even get a game for the Reserves. Shame.

6:05pm
Poor Charles N'Zogbia.
Jim's running on fumes.

6:08pm
I think Jim might be wearing a Jim mask. Underneath the real Jim is asleep and his body is being moved by electrodes. He could wake up at any point and order breakfast. I'm staying tuned to this shit.

Wolves (A)

I admitted before the game I do not know much about Wolverhampton Wanderers at all, as I only follow the league Newcastle United are in. So it was going to be harsh of me to be critical or positive about the town.

Since yesterday I have used Science to decipher that Wolverhampton Wanderers are a filthy side managed by the man who couldn't get S*nderland enough points to stop them from driving, hoofing and thumping their way through England's top league. A worrying sight in to how football was played in the 1930's for any Johnny Foreigner used to watching the likes of Barcelona or Brazil.

Naturally Joey Barton was kicked from head to toe by a man I've never heard of before. But if young Reverend Joseph had committed any one of those fouls, the whistle would have been hit as hard as an asthmatic on the inhaler and the cards would have flown out of the referee's pocket before the opposing player had hit the earth.
Thankfully this referee chose not to book Alan Smith for being famous. A rarity in today's game.

My man of the match was Joey Barton. Just because it'll make somebody cry.

Middlesbrough.

Yes. I've been to Middlesbrough.
Many a time now. Some say it was Matt Groening's inspiration for Springfield, with it's three-eyed fish and cartoon-like homosapiens dragging their big arses around the town, like sloths on a downer.
Now they've got Groundskeeper Wullie to manage the side, and Moe Szylak is still Chairman.

 TO SCUNTHORPE!

Now I'll be fair on Middlesbrough, and say I've only ever been on a match day. I can only assume they aren't as volatile and over-excited when Newcastle aren't in town. Roll in on any away bus and you'll be greeted by large people who can't physically close their mouths, standing by the roadside sweating during Spring as their third born child (third father) shouts and manically waves his arms at the bus. People think he's just giving us a volley of swear-words and abuse. I reckon these poor kids are actually trying to get us to call child services. But I guess I'll never get out and ask, I'm neither a U.N. peace-keeper nor a trained handler of wilder-beast.
As ever, it seems. A visit from Newcastle is the highlight for many fan's season. Middlesbrough is no different. Last season's do or die clash down at the Riverside (We're doing "We'll meet again" while they die slowly as a club) might just be our last trip to Chernobyl in quite some time, barring a good draw for them in the cup.

The Horizon here between despair and delight is a picture man could not paint. Or something.

So let us remember the good times.
Cleveland Police's policy on stopping all transport at an abandoned Quarry or Business Park for an hour.
Cleveland Police's policy on filming everybody in the ground so they'll have great footage for YouTube.
The haz-mat suits..
The jokes about things we really shouldn't make fun of anymore, yet still do, you know, THAT scandal..
Liam o'Brien's strike..
'Tino's debut and Gary Walsh's disappearing arms trick..
Shola's goals..
A Shearer screamer to make it 1-4..
..The time they bid for Shearer.
N'Zogbia's rocket in the top corner..
Viduka's turning like the HMS Wallagong and putting us 1-2 in front..

One of Keegan's best nights, could be argued.

Middlesbrough, for it's fallout atmosphere and day in to night bus travel at 1pm in the afternoon will always be one of my favourite away days. Like a poorly maintained Beamish where acid house never ended.
They hate us, we couldn't care less about them, and for that I thank Middlesbrough fans immensely. Now fuck off to Hartlepool.


P.S.

Saying that. I'll miss the pre-match sing-a-longs..

You've got to think they asked for it on every occasion.

Future.

I'm not on the Barcelona scouting payroll as yet, but if I was I'd tell them to bugger off elsewhere. As I'm delighted with the young lads we've got at NUFC after tonight's strong performance.
Looking at Tim Krul he's got to be going on 14 years old by now, but he'd probably be a main stay in any average Premiership outfit. A solid goalkeeper, and along with Forster we've got real depth when it comes to goalkeepers.
The back four as well looked solid, ironically the only player out of the four who seemed to have trouble with his communication was the elder statesman of the pack in Ryan Taylor.
Midfield was very impressive also, probably the pick of the bunch was Lua Lua. Nippy, got his head up and dribbled well on a very iffy pitch. Seemed to have a joy for picking out his team-mates, unlike his older brother I add. Let's keep him grounded and focussed and we could have a little star on our hands. The player his older brother should have been.

Normally you can't say you're excited about youngsters on the internet without being labelled a Middlesbrough fan, but the future looks good for us if these lads stick together in the NUFC ranks. Would like to see a few of them loaned out should they fail to play many games this season. Lua Lua especially did well at Brighton last season to the point there's almost a clamour from those down there to get him back for this season. We'll see over the next few days, but it mightn't be the worst thing to send him back down there until Christmas.

My man of the match tonight is Andy Carroll. Thumping Villa the way he did the other day is worthy of two MoM awards. Plus I don't think the majority of tonight's side should be given alcohol. Be like your Uncle Alan Smith, lads. He never touches the alcohol. Don't have Uncle Joey buy you 20/20.

Speaking of which. Here's former S*nderland entertainments officer Alex Rae. Allegedly.

You might laugh. But this is a mating dance in Scotland.

The People's Republic of Steven Taylor.

Wednesday brought drama on the internet in the form of the club transfer listing Steven Taylor.
Naturally Twitter has gone in to hyper-drive over this news. Literally leaving us but a couple votes away from Mr Taylor being referred to as a "Cockney" again. There's serious danger of Steven Taylor losing his status as a Geordie.

The only issues I have here are as follows:
I haven't heard anything from Steven Taylor.
We're BOUND to get a counter-statement from Taylor in the next minutes, hours or days.
What do we do for confidence if we turn on our own in the blink of an eye. How does this sell the club to transfer prospects?
What on Earth will Louise Taylor write about other than the Carroll/Taylor non-incident?

Carroll/Taylor

These are Twitter-shuddering issues which are only going to make the matter much more of a drama, over the next few days.
Here's a few thoughts..
Everton don't offer anybody 60k a week..
Nor do Arsenal.
Tottenham just bought Gallas.
If Chelsea, Man Utd or Man City wanted him he'd be theirs already.
The only clubs who'd be genuinely interested are no step up at this time, and of these.. Possibly West Ham are dumb enough to offer 60k a week.
The continued failings and stutterings of the career of Charles N'Zogbia are a lesson for any Tyneside based footballer.

Charlie scores. Home crowd goes wild.

Mystic Me reckons:
Isn't sold before Transfer Deadline. Signs contract mid-September. Twitter falls back in love with Geordie Steven Taylor.
Louise Taylor mentions Steven Taylor vs Andy Carroll incident twice a month until Christmas.
SHOLA! scores against S*nderland. Get your money on this Horse.

SHOLAAA!!!!! TAYLAAA'!!!!!!! Anton Ferdinand.

Ivanhoe.

Sunday's margin of success, one equivalent to the size of Richard Dunne's arse. Was a stark contrast between two careers. That of Emile Heskey and Andy Carroll.
Whilst our own number nine looked a World beater. The Aston Villa number 18 appeared to be allergic to the ball. His only meaningful contribution was a thundering tumble over, when Alan Smith stamped the ground next to him. 2.3 on the Richter Scale, and a serious threat to the listed buildings behind the East Stand.

Heskey used to be a good player. When he ran away and made it 1-3 to Leicester at SJP in '97, he looked every bit the new Ferdinand. Now he's more like Anton than Les, and I'm only making that statement as I don't know the name of Sir Les' mother.

While I'm here. Sir Les, eh? There was a centre forward. If Sir Les was playing now he'd just tell the likes of Emile Heskey to lay on the ground and get out of his way.

 

Sir Les + Richard Dunne's big arse. Two birds one video.

It was brought to my attention today by @mtthwbrggs of Twitter that in the previous three season, Andy Carroll has more Premiership goals than Emile Heskey. This was basically the catalyst for this random post.
Thank you Sir.

Villa (H) Report

Applause to the Villa fans who actually stayed after the fourth goal. As the way it got towards the end it appeared Richard Dunne had left with the fans after Nolan's second.
Strong and loyal as ever, lads.

Bring back John Gregory.

Man of the Match. White Shola.

Aston Villa (H)

I've never written a pre-match report. But if I wrote for the local press, this is basically how it'd go..
Here goes.

God I hate Villa.
The colour-scheme. The stadium. The "fans". The city of Birmingham.. How I loathe it all.

 Dion Dublin.

Don't get me wrong. I've had some great days out away to Villa.. Oba Martins' debut, they were selling Brown Ale at the local bar @ two for one. I didn't care we'd been beaten come the final whistle. Mainly as I was still attempting to regain singular vision. I vaguely recall a lad next to me taking off his prosthetic leg and waving it in the air. Or the year previous where we'd won there 1-2, down to ten men and Lee Hendrie, that odious little hobbit dwarf strutting on back to his changing room at the shire, ranting and raving to a gloriously baiting away support.
God I hate Lee Hendrie. I hear he doesn't have a job these days. Good.

 Messrs Frodo and Motivator.

I just hate Villa.
Scruffy little club from a scruffy little part of a scruffy city.
If you've ever been on the coach back from an away day at Villa. You'll recall visions of fat parents shoving buns stuff with fat in to the fat kids' mouths, before turning to the passing coaches, sticking up their middle finger and firing out said fatty-stuffed buns mixed with saliva from their mouths.
The fact that fat fucker with the bed-sheet turned up on our relegation day with "Sob on the Tyne" or whatever it was written on his bed sheet only made me angrier. Brummie probably still sleeps on that bed sheet. Goes to work each day with "OB ON T" printed his back. Fat prick.

 I've spent 10 minutes sat here trying to think of a famous Brummie.

The lad out of UB40?

Still rate Fonzie. Hear the odd Twitter user saying they'd boo him on Sunday.. On your own there Sunshine. Fonzie cared when others didn't towards the bitter end. He's too good for Villa so they're legally obliged not to play him as much. It's this reasoning which keep Stilyan Petrov at the club. (You think Nolan's slow?..)

MONDAY, TUESDAY...

I've got a whole rant on Morten Gamst Pedersen I should save for the Blackburn match. I'm going to set a reminder in my diary of dreams and emotions.

Anyway, I think we'll draw 1-1 ..Lovenkrands to score. I have a bad feeling Downing might score for them and treat it like a typical Smogmonster treats a goal against NUFC, like he's won the World Cup.
Arsehole.


Seriously, I reckon this kind of bollocks will become a regular column in The Chronicle in years to come.
Most of my professional writing these days is spent writing threatening letters to Monty Magpie.

The Summer of '95.

This Ben Arfa situation reminds me of the John Salako deal that Keegan was trying to pull off for us during the summer of 1995. Fourteen years old I was, and I was excited at the prospect of the tricky winger putting pressure on Scott Sellars for the left wing spot.

A load of old balls.

The protracted talks went on for what felt like months. His club were holding out for cash, or some kind of shady goings on were occurring.. The Chronicle was full of filler each and every day about the story, poor Alan Oliver. This was years before the days where he'd just make things up the "Club Insider" had said after visiting him in what appeared like dreams.

 A load of old balls.

Anyhow after long protracted conversations between the clubs and the agents. Salako appeared to be on his way.
Hooray! I was delighted. I was within walking distance of SJP and was all set to get his name on the back of my new shirt.
The Beige and Dark Blue shirt.. Aye, I had that. Went for "Batty, 4" about 7 months later in the end. I hate those colours, I hate West Ham, Villa and Burnley for tainting themselves with those awful 1970's home interior colours.. Bastards..
But I'm getting off topic. Where was I? Ah yes.. I was swearing.

That stupid bastard Salako couldn't even pass a fitness test. Something about a bad back if my memory serves me. I thought it was the end of the world.. I rated Sellars highly, but thought the wings was where we needed improvement.

So the on/off deal for Salako was off. Sigh..
A week later they signed David Ginola instead. No idea who the lad was, fancied that wife of his. I feel I was amongst the general consensus at the time.

 

I couldn't find a picture of Ginola's wife, but here's a picture of Ruel Fox for no reason other than I believe he's the real father of Shaun Wright-Philips.

Naturally I wondered if this fancy footed hair-style could be as good a player as Salako, who was worryingly turning in to my summer romance of sorts, I was thinking about him so much..

About 10 minutes in to Ginola's debut, ironically against Salako's team Coventry not only had I found that Ginola was quite possibly the greatest footballer I had ever seen in the stripes, but that Salako played like he couldn't even pass a breathalyser test, yet alone a fitness one.
I believe this is why they never replied to my letter of intent to manage when I applied for Keegan's job in '97.


Ohh John Salako.. You stupid prick.

Ben Arfa.

We're signing Ben Arfa! Woo-Hoo!
We're not signing Ben Arfa! Booo!
We're signing Ben Arfa! Woo-Hoo!
We're not signing Ben Arfa! Booo!
We're signing Ben Arfa! Woo-Hoo!
We're not signing Ben Arfa! Booo!
Ben Arfa's at the Airport! Woo-Hoo!
Ben Arfa's back at the airport, he's off to France! Booo!
Ben Arfa's off to Germany??
We're not signing Ben Arfa! Booo!

Is it just me or is he already annoying the hell out of us all, and he hasn't even pulled on the shirt?
This has more twists and turns than Neil Cox' hips after THAT game up against Daveeeeed. (Ferdinand header, 1-0!).

It's not the end of the world if he doesn't sign. But if the bugger lands at NCL again any time soon I recommend one of you takes his passport.

Also, Leon Best. Mint.

Phantom of the top scorers list.

Shola Ameobi

Shola is my favourite NUFC player.
That's right, Shola.

Any of the assorted rabble who come with me to matches home and away will tell you I'm not fully mentally stable when it comes to picking my favourites. In '96 my hero wasn't Shearer or Sir Les, it was David Batty. Batty didn't care who he was kicking the shit out of in order to get the ball. He didn't have to dive and prance around like a Robbie Savage, or run about like he has a fire-cracker up his arse like a Darren Fletcher to be spotted. He did everything simple. Win the ball at all costs, pass it to an attacking player.. Usually the "attacker" was Phillipe Albert, a man who should have usually been 15 yards behind Batty, but those were the days where everybody attacked. Given the chance I reckon Pavel Srnicek would have liked to stand on the edge of the opponent's area.

 Not Mike Hooper.

Anyhow, back to the man himself. The Jesmond Messi. The Fenham Eusebio. Shocrates.
Shola is today's 'Tino Asprilla. We're not as good as when 'Tino first arrived, so naturally Shola isn't as good as 'Tino. The better we get, the better Shola will get. Science tells us that Shola is the heartbeat of the side.

 No Shola.

Some people say Shola doesn't run, he doesn't care. Shola is actually not moving because he sees football 5 minutes ahead of regular humans, and knows that at some point in the next five minutes, the ball will be roughly where he was standing 3 minutes ago. Or something along these lines, we can't fathom these mathematics because we are but simple men. I think.
The Benwell Baggio himself might hammer a five yard effort six yards wide, but he's only teasing us all. Shola knows that Shola will score, and we'll all love him once more.
Added to this. He has a good record against the knuckle-draggers who we permit on to the Metro, also against the Smogmonsters.
Also, the greatest terrace chant known to football.
..and he almost ate Dennis Wise that time in his debut season.

Composure, always composure.

Man on the internet corrects spelling.

If any of you mention the "Des Hamltion" thing one more time I'm going to re-sign Geremi.

Hello to you, the internet.

Yes, I've decided to become one of those annoying people who links all the posts on his website on Twitter.
I'll be annoying the living hell out of you in no time, update your bookmarks and write letters to your family.

I've spent most of this afternoon deliberating over who goes on the new look Threat Level indicator, which should hopefully be atop of this here page.
Central to the indicator is the finest centre parting in recent football, Warren Barton. Warren Barton, for me is the perfect middle-man when coming to rating NUFC, or indeed all footballers. Here's a quick debate from any bar in Newcastle on a Saturday night:

Dave: Here, you remember Allesandro Pistone?
Steve: Aye Dave, he was shite, no Warren Barton in my opinion.

That's how football works, in a basic 10 second round-up. Right now Alan Hanson is over at Lawrenson's house, they've put away the Yahtzee and are using the Warren Barton centre parting of truth to go over the Liverpool back line this coming season.
Glenn Johnson, he's no Warren Barton.

*Parp*