12 December, 2011


What with Christmas approaching, and loads of us sat watching foreign football on ESPN to pass the time whilst Mam and Dad set up the Scalextric. I'm going to share my method of finding which team to support in any given game.
Unless you've got money on one of the sides. Barce-fucking-lona have let me down twice this years in accumulators. I'm practically down Cesc Fabregas' weekly wage heading in to the festive season.
Fucking livid.

In order, and after years of work. I bring you the special steps to finding yourself swearing at Bologna's left back.

  1. Are either considered rivals to the almighty Toon?
  2. Are either a club who's success in this game stifles the Toon's placing in the league?
  3. Are you betting on one of the sides involved?
  4. Are either a club you consider to be supported by pricks? Spurs are usually a good example of this. No offence.
That's the simple, no-brainers out of the way. We can all do that.
If still stuck, to further whittle down the options, here's where we get the Science out.
  1. Support the side with no former Mackems in their squad.
  2. Support the side with no former Smogmonsters in their squad.
  3. Support the side with most Geordies. 
We go on..
  1. Support the side Newcastle United beat in Europe. We're above them, morally. Triumphantly handing out sympathy to lesser people. Like Barcelona fans.. or Juventus ones.
  2. Is this European club competition? Draw out old World Cup anger and just cheer on whoever is playing against the Germans.
  3. Rally against the side who you reckon may go ape-shit in the tunnel come full time if things don't go their way.
  4. Which one do you reckon Shola would pick?
  5. Who has the prettiest kit?
  6. Who has the least amount of gingers on the field at that time?
  7. Which club has the most letters in their full name, from the sample collection: A-M-E-O-B-I.

If you're down here and you still haven't picked a side. By now chances are the Scalextric is ready to play. YES!